Dancing Through My Mind Crazy Girl
by paintedallup
Summary: Sam/River; She's waiting in his dreamland. Chapter 2 - 68. Pieces of you/Waiting Room Chapter 3 - 41. Behind Closed Doors Spoilers for season five
1. Dancing Through My Mind, Crazy Girl

With all of this power (that ruins through my veins just like the red stuff that I can never forget, I need my _fix_) filling up every part of me, I could bring the world down on it's knees be the_ boy-king_ they all want me to be but only one thing I need to do comes to mind, save the _goddamn_ world.

(and look like a _hero_ while doing it)

But everything that I have now (that every good and pure thing would look down on) comes with a catch, not including the big one that hasn't happened yet becoming everything I try to fight, and that I have one of my least favorite powers back and kicking, _visions_.

(and this time they hurt not just my brain, which isn't getting used much anymore, but every other part of me)

-

There she is (staring at me from the inside of my brain, which nowadays is rotting away) dancing through my skull like a skilled ballerina, each night sometimes making me join her with a crazy smile that goes on for ages but then again sometimes she stops altogether and scolds me like I'm a child.

(and those are the ones I live for, finally someone telling me what a evil _son of a bitch_ I really am)

"Are you real?"

If all of this didn't feel so very real (the beat of her feet on the ground and the feeling of her hair flicking across my cheek) I wouldn't even dare to speak out, worried that it all come to a end with one sound from me and I would be back once again thinking about _it_.

(_it_ being the one thing that calms the beast I've slowly become, the one thing _Ruby_ has over me)

"Of course, aren't we all, Sammy?"

-

Just another trip to dreamland (which I now love more then the real world) where everything I need is and everything I crave is forgotten, and along for the ride is the crazy girl that is the angel on my shoulder.

(Ruby just happens to be the devil, _horns_ and _all_)

"River? Where are you?"

Instead of the small little girl, (yet strangely we're almost the same age) running to my arms doing nothing but dancing for the many hours we get each day, there was no sign of life not even the birds in the skies that once before sang for us.

(and all the animals that I saw in all those books I devoured as a child)

"_Samuel_ _Winchester_, I'm not speaking to you or laying my eyes on you anymore, you bad, _bad man_."

"River? Why? Where are you?"

We've had our fair amount of fights over the short (yet years in my dreamworld, missing only one thing, _blood_ and _monsters_) weeks we spent together but this time it was different because I could tell that all those other times she had a tone of playfulness to her words not the anger that lined them now.

"_River_?"

-

For days on end instead of wishing for sleep like before I now dreaded the slowly dying world that used to be so alive with it's queen right beside me each hour of only time I was at peace.

(besides the times when all I could feel was the power of the supernatural drug, of which _Ruby_ holds over my head)

But one night (after weeks and weeks of the same) I finally got to see her and like all the many times before the need to drink was pushed away and it would stay that way until she was out of sight.

"Sammy, still a very _bad_ man I see?"

Instead of the playfulness I was hoping for (the one that used to be all that shined in her eyes) there was both disappointment and terror the two things that Dean always seemed to have in his as they watched me almost like I was going to put a end to the act of good and turn into the demon I was born to be.

"_Bad_? River, I don't know what your talking about, what did I do wrong?"

(let's just not talk about all the demon blood that ruins threw my veins at moment, more then there ever was)

"_Lover_, friend you've got some of that bad dripping off your lips. Lips that drink in the bad every chance they can get, greedy lips that only want bad and not the good that I give you. Bad men like you don't deserve any of my good."

Her eyes glared holes in me (the same ones that used to shine as they pulled me into dance after dance) filled up with hate for the thing that I had become, the monster that stood before her dripping in the stuff that was driving me to my death and it was even more deadly then meth and even more addictive then any other drug known to _man_.

The ground that at one point was blooming with lush grass and flowers just starting to bud was now covered in nothing but the thing that was starting to take me over my body and soul (and now even my dreams and visions were overcome by the want), the blood that at one point in my life had been disgusting rather then the source of my power.

"Do you see now, Sam? Do you see what it's doing to you?"

"Yes, I've know all along, the moment I first took a drink, that it was wrong but I couldn't stop myself back then and I can't now, do you understand, River? _I can't stop_!"

Instead of yelling at me, screaming her lungs out or smacking some sense into me which I have been lacking for so long, all she did was dance.

But this time it wasn't one of joy (that wouldn't end until both our legs were no more) it was one of all the things I used to both hate and fear, blood, sadness, terror, and death.

"You can, you just don't _want_ to."

-

For the first time in the two weeks (all filled with want, want and more _want_) that I've been trapped like a prisoner here while they watch me suffer, dying each hour because I can't get the fix that will soon be the death of either me or my soul, I've woken from the peace of sleep even worse then when I had closed my eyes.

"We're _killing_ him Dean! We have to let him out, let him free."

"No! I won't let him turn into a monster, not now and not _ever_."

At the word _monster_, the word I had once long ago feared more then anything even more then demon (which I'm on the path of becoming, becoming the one thing I _hate_, the one thing I _hunt_), I shuttered because not only did I hear Dean shout it but _River_, her feet dancing next to my bed, _Castiel_, judging eyes on my and all those that I had saved and loved in my life.

"Fine, Bobby! Let him out, let him die a _monster_."

As the door began to open, the one that I had tried to break down only days ago only resulting in bleeding hands and worse pain, River was standing before it no longer in my head taking me away from the want and reminding me what it was doing to me, she was _flesh_ and _bone_.

"Are you a monster Sam? Or are you the hero of the story? You can't be _both_."

(those words, _'you can't be both, the hero and the monster'_ should have been in my head the day I started all this _shit_ and maybe I would have said '_hell_ _no_' and put a knife in her rather then letting her take part of me away, the _good_ part)

"Shut the door Bobby, now. I'm not going to become the _villain_ of the story, not this time."

"Good, good boy, _Sammy_."


	2. Monster's Strange Angel

"Drink deep, monster, or you'll never be filled. Drink the evil in, _Sammy-boy_, right before my eyes."

Each set of their judging eyes are locked on me ('_monster_' being said in all their minds and my own) watching and waiting for me slip up, so they can hunt the evil thing I've become, and at any moment it's all going to crumble to pieces.

"Go head Sammy, drink deep, it's okay, you need it."

Both River and Ruby surround me, hands filled deep with the thing that will be the death of me, and each and every time this never ending dream always ends the same.

I drink deep (ripping Ruby apart until she doesn't have a drop left) but most of all I fail, fail Dean, and _fail_ River.

(and those eyes of hers scream '_monster_')

-

"Open the door! _River_, please I can't take this anymore!"

My body is screaming, suffering for something so wrong (something the old me wouldn't fall victim to) and vile but since the start of all this I need more then anything in the whole _goddamn_ world and I'm all but ready to trade my life for it.

(the thing that lives deep within me, always has since the very start but now it's finally waking up)

"I never thought you'd be this weak, letting an addiction take over your body and soul (which is going to hell and never coming back), _Sammy_. You can do this, become who you were when I loved you once again. The end is not fair away, my boy, just a while longer and you'll be set free."

If it weren't for her, the one that dances around in both my mind and in the small space of my prison (the one that I need to rid myself of this demon), it would have won long ago and I would be past the point of no return.

(my already twisted soul would have been damned right from the start)

"I will do this, River, I will not let myself become a monster, for you. It's all for _you_."

-

"Dean, we have let him out. He's going crazy in there and not just because of the detox, he's starting to see things. And who in the hell is River?"

The name '_River_' (which for some strange reason I seem to know like a old friend) is something I've heard from Sam before this day, in his sleep (dreaming of demon blood and _River Tam_), nightmares, dreams, and day-dreams filled with her and her alone.

And if that's all he needs, a guardian angel on his side (for me _Cas_ has become just that), to come back to us I can't complain a damn bit.

"Who ever she is, in his mind or not, I like her. She's got him sticking this out, she's trying just like me to stop him from becoming a monster, let's just leave it at that."

-

Both my body and mind tried to play tricks on me (_mother-dearest _with gentle hands), trying to pull me into the darkness, trying to make me think that this wrong thing was _oh-so _right but only thing that wasn't a trick was her.

(her who has looked after me far before this point, where I got ready to either find salvation or the fires of hell toasty and warm just for me)

"They are your demons, feeding off you like leeches. Sam, don't look at them, just look at me and me alone."

And for the first time she touched me (besides those many days with dancing until our feet gave out), laid her hands on me and in that second I never wanted her to ever let me go (stay comforting me until we're both dust) and I finally got the hope that I hadn't had for so long.

(the hope that was dashed from day one, when mother burst into flames, and yet again it was turned to ash along with Jess)

But instead of letting me go (taking away those slender fingers, and those lips that kiss my forehead) to go back to watching as I suffered, as I kept giving up and regaining hope at the same time, she was there until the very end.

"I won't let you go, Sammy, until I know it's really you, that it's no longer the monster inside. So don't you worry."

And just like she said she was there until the days finally came to a slow end (always going a little faster with her arms around me, with those healing lips touching mine), when I saw the light at the end of the tunnel, the one that has been dark for so long, and the monster was _defeated_.

(and in dreams to come we have monster's head on a stick, the thing I would have become without her)

"Told you so, _Sammy_, that you'd become the man I loved once again, told you so, and now it's time to _dance_."


	3. Hell In a Hand Basket

"Now look what you've gone and done, opened up the pits of hell, you naughty boy!"

Her eyes, the only pair that can see me all the way through (without trying), land on me and they only thing they say, besides _'I love, despite the whole evil thing'_, is I told you so.

All those riddles, that I've been able understand right from the beginning (when Dean doesn't even have a clue), were filled to the brim with warnings, and I didn't listen to a damn one.

"Oh god, River, what did I do?!"

(even after she looked me straight in the eyes and said '_monster_')

"You ended the world, brought hell on earth because of hate, because of blood. But don't worry, my bad, bad man, I'll be right beside you as you watch it burn, all thanks to you. Dean isn't going to like this a single bit."

-

He hides it well, with a strained smile and the one-liners that never stop coming (not even Jayne could keep up), but I can see each crack in his heart that Sammy made and can never fix.

(his fists making them wider, as the monster comes out for fresh air)

"Did the angel of the lord save us from our fiery deaths?"

My fingers, the slender but powerful fingers that forgave the monster all of his sins with a kiss (as he fought to be human once again), wanted to take the smile off of his face, rip off the mask and watch as it fell to pieces.

Then maybe it would be back to normal, which for us is blood, senseless words, and evil brothers.

"That's my only guess, sweet-heart, but hell if I know."

The only time he pulled out the smile, the one that looks like it hurts (more then the scars he proudly presented to me), that made me want to comfort the wrong brother, was when he had to use it on the person he loves the most but also hurt him more then anyone else.

('_I'm sorry_' just doesn't work, evil just doesn't wash away)

"Do you still love him?"

There were millions of questions swirling around that head of his, that thing that can be quite dangerous to take a peek of, a few just for me but most of them for baby brother.

Why? How could you? Can I hate you because even now that's hard to do? But most of all _Why?_

"Yes, I've seen the darkness that's filled with only blood but I can't stop myself from loving him. He makes me whole, he's my other half (waiting for me across the stars), and he's yours."

The half of me that doesn't think, lets the world end under his watch and uses his hands to kill (this time it wasn't a demon but a brother), that is so very wrong but can't see a damn thing, but I'll still be by his side, wrong or right, good or evil.

It's not like I hate a choice who my soul mate it, if I did I would have picked the better brother, the one that I take in my arms knowing that we're facing the same thing.

"That's what I hate the most about this all, River, I want to hate him for everything, every lie, every time he cut into me, but I just can't."

-

The mask is ripped off, the anger doesn't come but the sadness (tears I want to wipe away, and cry myself) doesn't end, and _Sammy-boy_ finally gets the words I knew were coming from the very start.

(the start of blood on lips, demon _whores_, and darkness)

"I don't think we can ever be what we were, I don't think I can ever trust you."

The truth stings and rips at his heart, the one that still isn't right, no, it's still filled to the brim with red, and my own lips want to speak the same, scream at him for breaking us both, but I know he can't take a second blow.

(he's already wrapped around me, hoping I can save his soul but I fear I've already lost that battle)

"River, you trust me don't you?"

"Of course, Sammy, I trust you with this breakable heart of mine and if you drop it only then will I stop."

But as he fell into the only set of arms that would take him in, that didn't flinch away from the creature he was starting to become (black eyes and all), he didn't have a clue that he had already dropped what little heart I had left.

"You know, Sammy, I'll never leave you, so don't worry your pretty little head about that, I'll always be here."


End file.
